I can’t believe I haven’t had a single thing to say in over a year, but so be it.
Last night, I did something outside my comfort zone to take my mind off things. Things are going ok for me but I’m never good during the holidays. Especially now. I hate them, in fact.
Last night, I danced with two Israeli boys and (I think) the other boy was on Rumspringa he said. The house music was so loud, all I could do is smile and try to read lips. Then when I started dancing with a Russian girl with a face so round and frozen, I knew my night couldn’t get any better. So I left.
I had a dream the other night of being in this white building, similar to the MoMa, but the 1st floor was falling apart and feral cats were coming out of it. I found my dead cat, alive, and then I found my partner who had passed. I finally remember what he said. He said “Be with those that love and care for you.”
It will be two years Andrew has been gone on January 12th. I can’t believe I haven’t gone insane. Self-love (making things for yourself) is a totally acceptable way to move forward. It’s healthy. And hopefully it’s nutritious… but even if it’s not. Fuck it. You’re here and you need it.
My point is, find some joy this season. It’s going to be hard. Believe me. Even if it’s the smallest amusement. Find it. Hold it and set it free.
Happy Holidays, everyone. ❤️