I return from getting my cat her monthly stash of cat food this afternoon to a large box of wonder on my front porch.

When I was poor, living in Kansas City and fresh out of art school, friends and I used to joke that I’d pen a cook book and memoir called Famous (To Me). In it, I would have all the casserole dishes I would make at the Chequers Apartments mixed in with trashy stories of various things I’ve done in my life. Hence the title of today’s blog posting.

Somebody on Tumblr contacted me a couple weeks ago, stating they wanted to send me a care package. While the recruitment patches and buttons are surely a sign from the Velvet Mafia that I’ve fallen way behind on my quota for the last two years, it’s the framed art that has grabbed my heart strings!

I suppose that I’ve now reached John Waters-like status if I’m being showered with goodies like these, right?

In any case, this dear boy is getting something in return. The jug marked “Toe Jam” is going into my toy case in my bedroom. Not this one, but the glass one. If you’ll excuse me I have to go dab my tears of joy.

Thank you so much!

Now, switching gears to my painting again, here’s something I’ve been fudging around with, now with the major color blocking areas in.

I wanted something very dark and ominous for this rubber piece, with a hellish light coming up from below or in some of the corridors to give it a more unearthly feeling of not knowing where this fantasy unfolds.

Now it’s not completely finished as there are lots more I need to do, but you get a general idea with the brush strokes and color blocking that this is where it’s headed.

Step Into My Parlor - ©2012 - Drub

I figured I’d do a little writing exercise this morning as I’m trying to wake up. My muscles ache this morning and it’s not from yoga or sex – it was from cleaning.

Also, not sure how much of this is defined as “kinky” as I’d prefer the term “sexual” as a better descriptor.

1: Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer?

I don’t want ass on my kitchen counter, though I do have bleach wipes. The couch would be more comfortable and the slip cover can be washed. The dryer? Too high up unless we are talking getting head/giving head and it would have to be turned on and warm.

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why:

It was good. I came 3 times. I would have liked some time in the sling, but I’m not going to complain as it ended my self-imposed celibacy officially.

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed:

Satan, of course, because he can enter every orifice at once. That’s what they said during the Salem witch trials, I think.

4: Something that never fails to make you horny:

Hearing people fucking aggressively. Moaning and that wet sound. Catching glimpses of an armpit, a jockstrap waistband or a socked foot sliding out of a sneaker or boot in places you don’t expect to see such things.

5: Where is one place you would never have sex:

Easy: An abattoir.

6: The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when ______________

I had sex in my driveway at night and somebody pulled in to turn around with their headlights on us. They must have gotten an eye full of boner. I bet they never turned around in somebody’s driveway even again!

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny:

Being choked during sex. I never thought I’d like that, but I do.

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other [if other please explain]:

Rope. Or shoelaces. Always be prepared!

9: What is the fastest way to make you horny:

Whisper filthy, graphically sexual things in my ear.

10: Top or bottom?

Being a top is a duty to the sexual pool at large. Being a bottom, you’re like everyone else. I’m going to split the difference on this one.

11: We were about to ____________ but then ______________ [example: we were about to have sex but then his mom walked in]

We were about to kiss at the urinals but then somebody came into the bathroom so we had to play it cool until they left.

12: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary?

They are not necessary, but they sure are welcome.

13: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find:

My high school year book.

14: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you:

Piglet. It’s not that weird if you think about it.

15: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex:

I’m terrible at it. My mouth is too small and I have a gag reflex. I’m sure somebody would disagree with all of these statements but I feel I’m much more gifted farther south.

16: Weirdest sexual act some has performed [or tried to perform] on/with you:

Brown hanky stuff.

17: Have you ever tasted yourself? [If no, would you?] [If yes, what did you think?]

Yep. And I’m fucking delicious.

18: Is it ever okay to not use a condom:

People need to be responsible for the sex they are having, instead of blaming others. That said, if you feel something burning, go get treatment. I can’t stress this enough. Catching something (I’ve caught syphilis 3 times!) is the reason I’m leery about sex now, especially with that drug-resistant gonorrhea that’s out there. That’s a dose of reality for you.

19: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had?

I can honestly say I’ve never had a sexy teacher.

20: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience:

Food and sex are two things I dislike strongly together. Apart, I love them more than life itself. One time I tried whipped cream and it went rancid on me and I couldn’t get the smell off my skin for days and it made me nauseous.

21: How big is too big:

Anything thicker than the circumference of your own neck.

22: One sexual thing you would never do:

Blood sports. There’s too much risk involved and I really dislike sharp things.

23: Biggest turn on:

Have you seen my artwork? There’s so many things that turn me on. I love the way a guy smells, dirty socks, and fisting. I like short hair, chest hair, and a dirty and adventurous guy.

24: Three spots that drive you insane:

My feet, my armpits, and my butthole. Dive in and watch me lose control of my motor skills.

25: Worst possible time to get horny:

On a city bus or on a plane.

26: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans:

If there isn’t any sound then I’m doing something wrong. I really like verbal skills on a dirty mouthed guy. It gets my brain firing on all cylinders.

27: Worst sexual idea you ever had:

Having sex in the bathroom of a coffee shop I used to work at after I closed it down for the day. The owner’s family showed up. That was horrible. I had to pretend I called a friend to help me mop up my sick.

28: How much fapping is too much fapping:

When you are feverish. My record is 12 times in one day. And can we stop calling wanking “fapping”, please. It sounds like something a seal does when it gets a fish.

29: Best sexual complement you ever got:

“I could eat and fuck your hole all night long.”

30: Is it good sex if you don’t nut:

Sure. Sometimes it’s what else you did that makes it awesome.

31: Fill in the blank: “If they ____________, we are fucking”

“don’t answer the door??”

32: What your favorite part of your body:

It’s a toss up between the feet and the ass.

33: Favorite foreplay activities:

Dirty talk. Spitting. Kissing. This is where you rev the engines and negotiate everything.

34: Love (>,<, or =) Sex For those of us who don’t remember our math thats “greater than, less than, or equal to]

Equal to. I say that because I’ve got love.

35: What do you wear to bed?

Usually socks and a t-shirt, if anything at all.

36: When was the first time you masturbated:

I think I was 15 years old.

37: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself?

Yes. Who doesn’t?

38: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside?

2 Years ago in my backyard with a guy in the navy. Before that, lots of times outside.

39: Have/would you ever have sex outside?

Hell yes. I only like it when it’s warm outside though. I hate feeling cold.

40: Have/would you ever had a threesome?

I have lots of times.

41: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate?

I have toys, so I never use a random object. The right tool for the right job, I say.

42: Have/would you ever masturbate at work/school?

I have.

43: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane?

Nah. I think of all those annoying people there with me and it kills it for me.

44: What is one song you’d like to have sex to?

Music is background noise if you have to have it during sex.

45: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny?

A good haircut.

46: Most attractive celebrity?

I don’t find celebrity attractive. Most of them are vapid, empty vessels.

47: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not?

Gay porn, for obvious reasons. I didn’t like it when I first came out as I felt so much of it was so utterly boring, but recently, there has been several companies that seemed to pop up that are in the arena of what gets me off. It’s usually the more gonzo, over-the-top stuff.

48: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online?

Yep. And it always makes me laugh because it surprises me that people want to see it as I’m not classically handsome or even that fit. I’m trying to change that though. Not the laughing part, the getting in shape part.

49: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny?

It’s a big list. Guys with mustaches (there are exceptions), rat-tails and other assorted ‘hair-don’ts’, bad taste in footwear… hipsters basically.

50: Do you like giving head? (why/why not)

See also answer #15. I’d like to be better at it and lose the gag reflex.

51: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in?

I love tattoos. The more the merrier. Like a guy with a guitar, they make a guy hotter than he normally would be.

52: How would you feel about taking someones virginity?

“First times” are a gift. Treat them as such.

53: Do you own any sex toys? (what is it? (how long have you had it?)

Here are most of the toys I have currently. I broke my other ones…

54: Would you give your significant other unrestricted access to your Tumblr for a day?

My significant other could care less about silly stuff like this.

55: Would you rather be a pornstar or a prostitute?

Pornstar. The people you fuck would be better looking and if you make your own, you get to choose.

56: Do you watch porn?

Yes. See answer #47.

57: Have you ever been called a freak? Why?

All the time! It’s a compliment to me and my disgusting perversions that lead to more twisted illustrations. I’m clearly a sexual deviant.

58: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”?

Yes, but I do prefer the snug hug of a well worn jockstrap.

59: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair?

Shaved their pubes? Never stopped me before – bald or bushy.

60: If you could give yourself head, would you?

Yes! And if I could eat my own ass, you’d never see me again.

It’s a classic story. Boy makes perverted art. Art goes out in the world.

World loves said artwork and somebody sexy buys it, scans it in, and puts it on a T-shirt and snaps a photo of them doing something filthy. They load it up to the internet for the world to see. And the boy who made the art sees it and chokes one out looking at them being amazing.

It’s the circle of life.

Really, if you aren’t enjoying what’s here, then one of us is doing something wrong.

The original, “The Other White Meat“, is a perversion of the laugh-out-loud funny tagline from the ad campaign to get people to eat pork instead of chicken.

I’ll have what these guys are having.

My newfound fetish and search for a nice tight pair of leather gloves has begun.

And when you are looking for something specific, you go to ebay. There will be some more photos soon as its really hard to snap shots of both hands with my iPad. I’m sure this is just the beginning of my collection as I’ve got my eye on some other ones.

These are soft, tight and smell intoxicating. I can’t wait to wear them out some place. They are hot! What do you think?

Some of you wanted to see the tattoos I have so far.

Here they are from asscrack, on up to the shoulders, and either side of the neck. I like balance.

I’m fiddling around with Paper for the iPad again. I bought the other tools.

Here’s some sketches I did testing it out.

I’m fiddling with Paper for the iPad as I’ve got serious couch lock and can’t get up.

I’m even toying with buying the other tools. And the interface is super elegant and simple. It’s a great sketchbook program.

Monkeybutt! - sketch @2012 done with Paper on the iPad

You guys have all see the original piece, Toys 4 Gutterpunx, right?

Well you guys love my work…

And you definitely love how Dom love’s to give back a bit too.

Toys 4 Dom and Gutterpunx

Go check out Dom’s tumblr of naughtiness – A Bearded Boy. And a thanks to Timber43, where ever you are!

Monsters. The word covers a large swath of territory, doesn’t it? For me, it conjures up classic B horror movies, cartoons and games, true crime books, and those dark personal ones.

It takes a big man to face his own monsters but it takes a rather clever one to understand how those monsters are created. We walk around this planet in hopes we don’t come face to face with criminals, killers, or sociopaths, all the while hoping we, ourselves, don’t slip up and do something terrible to alert the unsuspecting public that we’ve let our own monsters out of their cages. Everyone has one, at least one, they keep locked up in that dark place where nobody is supposed to look.

This weekend, I got a very rare opportunity to haul one of them out to gorge itself rotten. I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I was given permission to let it out of it’s cage. At the time, there were several moments where I thought I had overstepped boundaries and lost control. I’ve since communicated with my buddy and he’s let me know that it was perfectly fine with him and wants to play some more. Even though my anxious feelings have been assuaged, they are still there letting me know my monster is beating against it’s cage hungry for more.

Thankfully, I’m in control otherwise I would become the beast. I talked with a couple of like-minded friends about my darker desires just so I could have a sounding board to better understand what went on in my head Friday night. It’s a scary yet delightful playground at times. A dirty, filthy petting zoo with a roller coaster and one of those teacup rides that spins just a little bit too fast and slightly off kilter and I’m okay with that. What I determined, surprisingly for this atheist, some of my monsters feed on good old fashioned Catholic guilt when they aren’t being trotted out in a play space.

I was raised a Catholic and went all the way to Confirmation, but all that stuff seems like a faded dream or even like somebody else’s life. I divorced all that well before high school ended. The guilt I subconsciously feel for not giving my parents grandchildren and the subsequent shame, as little as that is, for being gay is there and I happily throw it into the cage of my pet monster. And with any pet, you can train it with food.

So before you dial the police and turn me in, I only let my monster out when it’s consensual. Anything less would be criminal. What makes it sexy are the restraints, holding them tight while you peer over into the dark abyss where you laugh loudly into the utter blackness, never letting it take you. That’s power. That’s amazing. That gives me a giant boner.

I suppose that’s why I laugh at all these BDSM people who put on their clothes, go to these kinky fetish events, and the scenes are perfunctory, or worse, when you investigate a person’s list of do’s and don’ts and they can’t explain what makes it sizzle for them. That should be a big red flag for anyone, at least in my point of view, if you are going to play with somebody. They just aren’t that self-aware. It makes me wonder what goes on upstairs, if anything at all.

I know what my monster looks like. I’m not so sure most people want to see it.